My breastfeeding journey

My breastfeeding journey began before our little lady was even born, when I was just 34 weeks pregnant. My midwife told me about harvesting colostrum to give to our newborn and a have a store just in case. I was so intrigued as I so desperately wanted to breastfeed this time around.

Harvesting Colostrum

Leaving my appointment, syringes and instructions in hand, I was exited to try this out.

Now this is an experience that both me and liam took on, purely because I could not see what I was doing. It was tough going and frustrating at times, with spillages and not quite getting it right at first but we got there in the end.

Starting off with a 1ml syringe, we filled that within 3 sittings and I felt quite happy, we tagged it with the date and I placed in the freezer. As the weeks went on I was producing more and more of this 'liquid gold' until I was filling a 5ml syringe within two sittings.

Now don't get me wrong, this can be time consuming but if it wasn't for this I would not have a breast feeding story to tell. 

The first 48 hours

Now these were odd! Olivia latched perfectly at the hospital 3 times, without help, I felt so happy and confident that It would work perfectly this time but when I got home it all changed, she would no longer latch and was crying for what we thought was milk. 

We had a couple of bottles in so Liam sterilised one for me and we used the ready made formula that I had bought for the hospital. The first night and up until my midwife phoning we fed her with bottles to keep her calm. I even sent Liam out to get a tin of milk. 

My wonderful midwife, Lenka phoned at around one and was the lady who saved the day and told me to use some of my harvested colostrum to entice Olivia to latch. It worked first time and we continued to do so until Olivia seemed happy to latch. By that evening breastfeeding was going well again and I was over the moon. 

An emotional roller-coaster 

At her 5 day check we were told that was so pretty much back up to birth weight, and that was down to me! I felt so proud of myself, we were also told that Olivia had tongue tie but because she was putting lm weight well, hence feeding fine they would leave it. 

The next three weeks were amazing but hard, my emotions were still all over the place and the pain wasn't easing when I fed, if anything it was getting worse. 

Every time I fed in the left side I would wince for the first 5 minutes, I literally had to brace myself for the pain that I new would come. I cried so many times as I didn't want to admit that I wasn't enjoying being able to feed her and I felt that I was failing her. 

It got to a point that I would literally dread feeding her, until one not I gave in and got Liam to make her a bottle of formula as it was just toouch to bare. I felt broken, and was so ashamed but also I had a small amount of relief.  

The last few feeds

As the days went on she had more and more of her feeds from a bottle, my breasts were sore and sometimes full so I would feed her which was bitter sweet, I knew that I was doing the right thing for me at the time but my mental state took a battering. 

I was scared that each time I fed her it would be the last and I wanted to carry on, I felt so torn, so I took opportunities to feed when I could. 

The last feed was a night feed, I sat and stared at her and I remember feeling so empty after. I knew that it was at a close and felt like I had given up. 

So much regret

The next weeks were hard, I was a mess and in turn Olivia had starting showing signs of reflux, after every bottle she would cry uncontrollably for at least 20 minutes. 

In the end I phone the doctors and she suggested trying to start breastfeeding again with the help of some tablets along with giving Olivia gaviscon, there was one issue, I could not pick up my medication until 3 days after Olivia had hers. 

Those three days she was a different baby, the gaviscon was doing its job and she started getting herself into a routine. I then thought was it really worth trying again? Me and Liam discussed it, along with me crying (again) and decided to leave it with formula. 

When she was around 7 weeks I really questioned starting again, I had picked up the medication and it was sitting in my bedside drawer, I read articles and asked on Mum pages, I had heated conversations with Liam and was genuinely really struggling weather to start again. 

I hated the fact that we were paying for formula when just 5 weeks before I was producing enough to feed her, I struggled to keep on top of the cleaning and sterilising of the bottles and still felt like I had failed her. And the tears fell but in the end I decided against it. 

Ask for help

I wish that I had asked for help, phoned my midwife or heath visitor but because I had one since my midwife once since giving birth and everything else was over the phone (due to covid) I felt as though I was going to be a burden to then or put them at risk for coming out to see us. 

I now look back and just wish I had phoned so I wanted to share my story in hopes that it may help just one person ask for help. Please don't suffer in silence like I did. 

Ps. I do know that fed is best and I am in no way saying that you have to breastfeed, I just wanted to share my story, as you can see my little one is thriving. 

Victoria x