A pocket of my life

April is always an emotional month for me, in good and bad ways but we get through it every year and here we are, saying goodbye to April and hello to May. This month started with half term and Easter, probably one of my favourite parts of the year with baby lambs, flowers and warmer days. I am also grateful for the lighter evenings, it makes everything feel a little less heavy.  We took a trip to tibbs farm for a duck hunt , enjoyed baking and an at home Easter egg hunt, anything to keep the kids occupied when off school. I also managed to take a day for myself and see Waitress in Brighton which was incredible.  It was then back to school/work for us, its only a short term but we have so much to do, along with planning the wedding too. The first day back was the 9th anniversary of losing Mum, I always go to the crematorium with flowers and take a few minutes to remember her.  We celebrated Olivias birthday, my baby girl turned 6! How is that even possible. W...

 To Mum,         Its been 9 years since we last since we last spent a Mothers day together, and that one wasn't exactly what you deserved. It was spent woth you in hospital not well.  Weirdly this year was a little bit easier than previous year's, dont get me wrong it still hurt and I will always think of you but I was able to enjoy the day without too much emotion.  Its been a weird year for missing you, some days I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders and I need to vent to you, you were always there to listen and understood my issues. Other days a ok and feel normal in the best sense.  Being a Mum myself on mothers day really does help I think, knowing that I have 2 monkeys to keep my mind occupied and make me smile gives me that sense of purpose for the day. I really hope you are proud of who I have become, and I really do wish you were here to enjoy our story still, to watch the girls grow and finally watch me get married. Love you and...

So today is the wave of light for all the babies that have left us.  This is a very sensitive subject for us, my Mum lost two beautiful children, my sister, Joanne was just 3 days old and my brother, John was a stillborn. My story starts in the summer of 2011, I found out that I was expecting our first baby early in the July. Both me and Liam were made up with the idea of having a little boy or girl running around. We told my parents and Liams Mum that we were expecting and I also had an appointment with a midwife at around 5 weeks, it was all so exciting and it felt perfect until 5 weeks and 5 days hit. It was that day that I knew something had changed, I started to spot and my nausea that I had been experiencing had become non existent. I did the Google my symptoms thing and saw the word miscarriage, I was heartbroken but obviously nothing was confirmed at this point.  We phoned the EPU (Early Pregnancy unit) and they gave me an appointment for a scan and blood t...

Mothers day is a bitter sweet one for me, having lost my Mum coming up 7 years it's always a time that hits me hard, its a time of year that get my mind going over memories with Mum and looking back on photographs. Being a Mum myself does certainly bring a little ease to the day knowing that I still have a reason to celebrate and make memories.  Also Being able to show my appreciation to both my step Mum and my mother in law makes me smile as I am so lucky to have some wonderful Mother figures in my life. My Mum wouldn't want me to feel sad or not celebrate days like this and would tell me I was being silly If I shyed away from it but in all honestly it is hard, seeing posts of there mums and what they got feels like a kick in the stomach. I hate feeling this way and always feel guilty after but in the moment I do struggle. I am lucky to have a supportive partner who knows me well enough to know how I am feeling and that I am pretty good at masking. He will be there if I need a...

  It has been just over 4 years since my Mum passed away and I feep like it is important to document the process of grief.  We always knew that Mum wasn't going to have as much time as others because pf all her problems but that didn't make it any easier when the day eventually came. I fell like this year was the hardest anniversaries that I have faced since she left us. I don't know weather is because the longer that she has been gone is the thought of her memory fading or just how this past year has been.  My Dad had a gift made for me, a necklace which includes some of Mums ashes, I don't quite know how I feel about it, I think it's beautiful and like the idea of being able to have her with me and I will always be eternally grateful for but there is a part that finds it a little weird. I know that a part of me will always miss her and I hope that I am making her proud, she was my best friend who I could always moan to, be honest with and giggle until ...