Anxiety in pregnancy after a miscarriage | TRIGGER WARNING

Trigger warning

- Baby loss

 On the 3rd of August 2019, 2 years ago today, I found out that I was pregnant with Olivia and as much a love being pregnant and feeling excited for the future, there is always a heap of anxiety that follows me, especially during the first trimester.

Back in July 2011 I suffered a miscarriage at just 6 weeks but I had started getting excited for this baby the moment my test came up positive. I started to bleed which got heavier by the day, we ended up going to the hospital for a scan and blood test, there was a sack but no visible baby. they drew my blood two days later for the HCG to which I got a phone call that night saying that it was not going to be a viable pregnancy. My world broke, I felt jealous of others, angry at my body and confusion of how fast you world could turn around.

I definitely felt the anxiety when pregnant with Lils too but not quite as much as I did with Olivia, I think its because we had had so much sadness in our family the past few years, that I wanted something that could put some light into the world.

During the first few weeks I had some really minor spotting ( I was checking every toilet trip ) but just before my birthday I had a large bleed. I phoned the doctors and expected the worst, when I arrived I felt sick with nerves but the doctor was hopeful as my cervix was still closed, she did book an early scan though to check and put my mind at ease.

on the 6th of September we made our way to the hospital, I felt like my world was going to end again even though we didn't know yet. The wait felt like a lifetime, I was constantly sipping on my water and shaking. We were eventually called in and our details were checked, the lady was the same lady who did the scan with the first pregnancy so nerves were high.

She eventually got around to scanning and there she was, our little peanut with a strong heartbeat, the relief was incredible, I felt like a weight had been lifted. She also informed us that there was only one baby which hadn't even crossed Liam's mind. A few days later the anxiety was creeping again, there was no bleeding but it was still 3 weeks until my 12 week scan, the one that make you feel a little more comfortable, the one that means you are coming to the end of the first trimester, the one where most people decided to tell the news of a pending arrival.

I felt a little anxiety until the day I gave birth, the wanting for a happy ending, and good story for once3, an ending where I get to squish my little one and take her home. I know that we are so lucky to have two beautiful healthy girls and I feel for every person who has lost or has trouble conceiving, my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best for the future.