So today is the wave of light for all the babies that have left us.
This is a very sensitive subject for us, my Mum lost two beautiful children, my sister, Joanne was just 3 days old and my brother, John was a stillborn.
My story starts in the summer of 2011, I found out that I was expecting our first baby early in the July. Both me and Liam were made up with the idea of having a little boy or girl running around.
We told my parents and Liams Mum that we were expecting and I also had an appointment with a midwife at around 5 weeks, it was all so exciting and it felt perfect until 5 weeks and 5 days hit.
It was that day that I knew something had changed, I started to spot and my nausea that I had been experiencing had become non existent. I did the Google my symptoms thing and saw the word miscarriage, I was heartbroken but obviously nothing was confirmed at this point.
We phoned the EPU (Early Pregnancy unit) and they gave me an appointment for a scan and blood test. At 6 weeks and 1 day we went to the hospital trying to be positive.
We were taken to a scan room and I was told to lay on the bed, we were asked some questions, about dates and symptoms and then she started the scan, from the offset I knew something wasn't right. She showed us the screen and all that showed was an empty sack. I was numb knowing that just a few days ago we were creating a life for our little baby.
They took so blood and told us that that would confirm where the pregnancy was viable when we went back in a couple of days as they thought I may have got my dates messed up. Two days later I went back and gave another blood sample and then we waited.
To take our mind off of it we decided to join our friends at banger racing, Liams mate was racing that night and he had helped build the car.
During the race we were allowed in the pits and that's when the phone rang, I got into our car and closed the door so I could actually hear and that is when I was told that our pregnancy was not viable and that I was indeed miscarrying our baby. I sat and sobbed into Liams arms and just felt so wrong.
We didn't go home that night, I got Liam to take me to his parents and we slept in Liams old room, he left earlier as I went to my parents to tell them, when I got home, the few bits that we had purchased were put away and the flat was tidied. Liam had made sure that I didn't have to worry.
The worst part of it is that you as a women sometimes blame yourself, I know I did and that lasted a long time, you question everything you have eaten or drank or done and then felt guilt for it. In truth it isn't your fault.
Because we were so early into the pregnancy no one really knew, so to be going through that at work or just seeing friend was hard as I wasn't ready to tell them what had happened. You grieve in silence, or with such a small amount of people. I also know that I am guilty of not checking on Liam at the time, he was amazing but I know that he must of felt helpless and broken all at the same time.
I will never forget the 2 weeks that I knew I was carrying our first child and I will always keep there memory alive, even though it is such a small chapter of my life.
Victoria x
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